That Everyone Should Know!
The following are a series of highly useful facts that I have collected, which are not at all as widely known as they should be. Spread the word, and help me to improve the condition of humanity!
Disclaimer: Don't blame me if trying any of these things causes things to go hideously wrong. They never have for me, but they do say you can never be too paranoid. So what you do is your own choice. I am simply presenting the information...
There is a fast, effective and free cure for nosebleeds.
The reason that this news has not spread fast is that the method used is unorthodox, some might say inexplicable, but this should make no difference, because it really works!
As soon as you notice that your nose is bleeding, quickly remove your left shoe and punch the arch of your foot really quite hard. Do this a few times until your foot feels weird and buzzy. You will find that your nosebleed has stopped, and that everyone is looking at you strangely. At this point you must explain to them that you had a nosebleed and that you have now cured it - they may not believe you, because if performed quickly enough, there will be no visible blood!
What people have said:
Tim Mannveille [yes, me]: I'll try anything once... [performs cure] wow! I think I will be trying this one more than once.
Guy suffering from altitude-induced nosebleed in Morocco: I can't belive I'm doing this... [performs cure] I can't believe that worked!
If you try this method:
Whether it works or not, please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org to let me know how it went. I have seen it work on 5 out of 5 people that have tried it so far, and I would like to extend this knowledge base.
Sitting on a newspaper can apparently help very much [thank-you, Rachel Dawe!]. Works best on children, since they are more likely to believe it...
There are many cures for hiccups, and different people prefer different ones. This one is, for me, both the most successful and also the most discreet.
After your first hiccup, you should immediately start looking for some liquid to drink. I don't think it matters what it is, as long as it is something that you would normally drink for thirst-quenching style purposes. Take a large sip of it (perhaps half a mouthful), but do not swallow it yet. Bend over as if tying your shoelace or examining something on the floor, and when your head is upside-down, swallow the liquid. Your hiccups are cured, and no one is any the wiser. This is silly, because everyone should know this, so tell them what you have just done.
Isn't that just like the wrong side of a glass thing?
Yes, it works in exactly the same way, but is a lot easier and more elegant to perform. Perhaps for these reasons, you will stick to drinking from the wrong side of a glass. Also you might like to tell people that a spoonful of sugar helps as well.
If you try this method:
and you're considering using some alcohol-containing liquid... well, I have no experience at trying that, so I am not in a position to comment on whether or not that is a good idea. Whatever happens when you try it, please e-mail me at email@example.com to let me know how it went. I have seen it work on 3 out of 3 people that have tried it so far, and I want to know how foolproof this method really is.
There doesn't seem to be much work done in the sneezing area, and my suggestions here are by no means the best (which I suppose goes for everything I say, but the nosebleed and hiccups things seem pretty darn good to me)
To prevent a sneeze from happening:
Swallow. If it still tingles and seems imminent, swallow more and close your eyes tightly. This does not seem to prevent the sneeze from ever occurring, it merely postpones it.
Alternatively, try putting your finger under your nose (as if doing a Basil Fawlty-style Hitler impression) and pressing against the bit above your lip with it.
Finally, never try to stop a sneeze by punching your own nose. This does not work.
To force an irritating sneeze to just get on with it and happen:
Sometimes a sneeze is just too scared to make its way out into the world, and will just sit there, tingling your nose. To force it out, try looking at a light bright enough that it makes you squint (and not of course to the extent that you do your eyes any damage). This is the so-called 'photic sneeze reflex' also sometimes known as ACHOO (Autosomnal dominant Compelling HelioOphthalmic Outburst), which only about 1 in 3 of us have. You can find out more about it here.
Sneezing is all part of the great lifegame that everyone that wants to enjoy life should be playing. Also, if you discover superior methods to these, or have anything useful to further add on sneezing, please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
You might think that you could stop yourself sneezing by sticking your head in a sink full of water, but I am reliably informed that this does not work. Another possible alternative is to take a mouthful of water and just hold it there. Even if this doesn't succeed, the results will still be very interesting.
Do not try the swallowing trick if you have just eaten too much too fast. I did and it hurt.
When your foot suddenly goes 'twang' and feels really funny and hurts and weird - well, that's a cramp apparently. Fortunately it is really easy to get rid of: you just spread your toes out! Only problem is, not everyone can spread their toes out, and just manually pulling them apart doesn't help much. Anyone got any ideas on how to cure stomach or even jaw cramps?
I have no idea how to relieve the strange buzzing sensation of a banged funny bone. If anyone finds out any ways of doing this, don't forget to e-mail me at the usual address.
Things that don't seem to work that I have tried so far:
Banging foot, swallowing, squinting, drinking, rubbing and shaking the buzzing bit, jumping up and down...
-John Humbley for the info and links on the Photic Sneeze reflex,
-Laurence O'Toole for the finger-under-nose sneeze-stopper,
-Roger Henderson for the failiure of nose-punching to stop sneezes.